Monday, October 04, 2004

Guilin Day 2

Last Time on Masta in China!!!

"You're not a massage girl!! This whole thing was just a set up!!! You're a chinese Jehovah's witness." Looks of confusion... I take another stab at it. "You're not a massage girl!!! You're a... PROSTITUTE!!!"

Now the conclusion

Actually, I'll let you guys choose your own conclusion.

1)
MastaCSG: "You expect me to pay for sexual service when I thought this masseuse would give me sexual servicing for free?"

2)
MastaCSG: "Shame on you... ALL OF YOU!!! You have besmirched this young girl's honor. You have challenged any conceptions she has about love... And what about me massage girl? You said I had beautiful eyes... Was that just a lie? We could have had something special. You are monsters... Now I bid you a goodnight. I hope you'll think about what you've done..."

3)
MastaCSG: "Sexual Service? Sadly, I lack the funds for sexual service..." *Haggling ensues*

Anyway, sending the prostitute away was awkward and strange. But the following morning was pretty stressful. I had to check out as I was to proceed to Yanghou. As I checked out of the hotel, the woman at reception claimed that towels were missing from my hotel room.

Me: "That's impossible! I was just in the room! All the towels are there!"
Lady: "Mmm... That's strange... WAS ANYONE ELSE IN YOUR ROOM LAST NIGHT????"
Me: "Ummm... Two massage girls and... Not a hooker...Definately no hookers in my room! No Sirry Bob!!! Well... there was a third girl... she was... a special masseuse... I like to think of her more as a 'sexual engineer' than a prostitute..."
*long pause*
Me: "I did not, have sexual relations with that prostitute!!!!"

Anyway, the situation resolved itself, more or less. After which, my tour guide Peter, who reminds me a lot of C3PO at this point, gave me many unninteresting details about the city of Guilin while we drove to our boat. The thing about poor Peter, aside from the fact that talking to him is like reading online notes for a class, is that he always seems to catch me after something bad has hapenned, and I'm always in a disgruntled mood when he breaks into his lectures.

Eventually we got to the boat that would take us down the Li river. First thing that hapenned when I boarded the boat is I was recognized, "HEY IT'S THE CANADIAN GUY!!!" That was a surprise. It was some of the people I had seen back in Xi'an. What are the odds?

Besides that, it was a really nice cruise with beautiful scenery. Surrounded by tall green mountains, the boat trundled down the river as the passengers, mostly jaded tourists took pictures. Everyone seemed sick, tired... generally unimpressed.







Me and two other guys started comparing cameras. We were like little boys with toys, talking about the different specs of our devices. I think I won with my four megapixel camera.

One jaded tourist was basically, a white me, from Switzerland named Cristov. His camera boasted a telescoping zoom lens. Anyway, he was interesting to talk to. Having just come from Tibet he had a lot of interesting stories to tell. Eventually our conversation seemed to become a competition over who had had the most bizarre experiences.



Cristov: "In tibet they fed me snake! It tastes like chicken!"
Me: "Well... In China, everyone takes pictures of me cuz I'm black! It's like I"m a superstar or something!!"
Cristov: "Well, in tibet, nomads invited me into their tents to pray with them!"
Me: "Yeah? Well, last night the hotel sent a prostitue into my room!"
Cristov: "I'm not surprised. When I was in Amsterdam, I saw an orgy!"

He obviously won. But the biggest laugh came when we were complaining about our tour guides.

Cristov: "Honestly, I'm not too impressed. I spend all this money to have some guy point at things and ramble off the history of the country. Now look at him!" Then Cristov pointed to his guide, fast asleep in the corner of the boat, head falling backward, mouth lolling open. I wish I had taken a picture.

There was this other guy from Israel. He works for a company that tries to find ways to prevent the piracy of television signals. He said that the laws in Canada make it nearly impossible to control piracy. Effin' A!!!




The cruise was not without incident though. Looking over the starboard I noticed we were being pursued!!! Li River Pirates it seemed! A small motorized boat sidled alongside our own, where a haggard looking old woman latched onto our boat with a rope!!! These horrible pirates will pillage and ransack our ship!!!!

Or will they...?

To be continued...