Xi'an day 2

Last time on Masta in China!!!

Then... I got on the plane and went back to Canada... OR DID I???????to be continued...

Now, the continuation...

No I didn't. Still lots of stuff to do in Xi'an!!

Xi'an is a different place from Beijing. The people certainly seem different. They speak less english that's for sure. Anyway, the attractions in Xi'an include the Forest of Steles (steles being stone tablets). Here's a picture of me next to a big ass bell in the temple of Steles!



Isn't that crazy!? Obviously I have no memory of what the bell is for. I think they used to ring it really loud at Christmas time so Santa Claus would be able to find Xi'an. Then when Santa arrived Confucius would say, "Hey, Chinese people don't believe in you!" And then Santa would say, "Effin A!!!" activate his jetpack and fly back to Jupiter.

I visited the Small Wild Goose Pagoda and the Big Wild Goose Pagoda. The small one is a re-creation but it's nicer to visit. A lot more trees and people practising their Kung Fu. I went up to this Kung Fu Master and say, "I know Kung Fu!" What a loser I am... Then Mr. Li says... "Please show us..." DOH!!! That's not good... So I took the bow staff and started feebly spinning it... Very unimpressive... I have excuses! The thing wasn't weighted the same way as the bamboo one I use... That and... I suck!!!

Kung Fu Master: "You are hereby banished from our honorable Order of Kung Fu Fighters!"
Me: "I was never a member!"
Kung Fu Master: "Then my work is done... May the Force be with you!"
Me: "There is no Force sir! That's from a movie called Star Wars!"
Kung Fu Master: "Oh yeah... Well... You're from a movie called Star Wars!!!" :p

Anyway, people sometimes ask me, "Chris, what's a Big Wild Goose Pagoda?" So, apparently, some bird died (a goose!), and they built a temple where it died (taking it as some kind of omen). Then some philosopher, maybe Confucius, maybe Mr. T, Maybe Captain Picard, I really don't remember... They decided to study there and wrote volumes and volumes of philosophy. Now they use the temple to pimp their cheesy wares! It was an ideal place to buy souvenirs for the parasi... my family and friends back home...



The big attraction is Xi'an is supposedly the Terra Cotta Museum. Some decades ago, some farmers dug up thousands of these seven foot tall stone soldiers that were burried underground with the first Emperor of China!




They call this the eigth wonder of the world. I always thought I was the eigth wonder of the world!!! Nyarrr... Anyway. so, surprinsingly, we saw all of this in less than a day. After which Mr. Li pauses...
Mr. Li: "Well... We have some time left... We have time to go to a teahouse or a massage parlour."
Me (whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa?????????): "How much tea are we talking about? Pints?" (sarcastically)
Mr. Li: "No, little ittie bittie cups..."
Me(in the car honking the horn): "Why are we not at the massage parlour yet?"

I soon discovered that beautiful women who give massages are the eigth wonder of the world. I got one of those crazy massages where they walk on your back and stuff. It was a pretty naughty massage actually. I felt guilty afterward... "It's my first time!"

She seemed to be fascinated by my name too. "Chreesifer? Chreesifer??? Ahhh... Chreeseefer...." It's amazing to be in a country where everyone and there dog isn't named Chris. So, being black makes me fascinating? Being named Chris makes me unique?l.... Being six feet is exceptional? Speaking English is a coveted skill? I don't have to do anything to be impressive! Just exist as a black tourist with modest funds. I love China!

Guilt dissolved... After a massage that hardcore, you're all mellow. You don't give two cents about anything. At that moment the buxom massage girl, Ms Gao, was my favourite person on the planet! I suppose 3 paragraphs about massages is enough for now... FOR NOW!!!

And we still had time to go to the tea house and the Tang Dynasty Dinner Show. The tea house was surpringly impressive but the Show at night was spectacular. It's a choreagraphed version of some emperor's dream. Lucky for us, the emperor was dreaming of many women dancing enticingly. The Show didn't have as much martial arts as the Peking Opera but it was definately more beautiful. Gorgeous sets, with green trees or lavish throne rooms. Amazing dancers. I also really appreciated the singing which I wouldn't have expected. Because the lighting kept chaning and also because I was just so enthralled by the whole thing, the pictures for this really didn't turn out. Think of the openning scene of Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom, combined with colorful scenes from "Hero" starring jet Li.

And they serve food! Mr. Li, who seems to know everyone there, spent the night, macking the ladies and laughing it up. Mr. Li declared, "I feel you're like my brother!" It might seem touching, but I think it was more of an excuse for him to get drunk instead of being professional. Don't get me wrong, it's far more fun that way!!! We got an awesome picture with the actresses in the show! It was good fun.



So, late that night I noticed that the hotel has a little card that has a number to dial for massages... Mmm... Are all massage girls as hot as Ms. Gao? Should I??? No... I couldn't... BUT I MUST!!!

But I didn't...

Or did I???

To be continued....