Masta in China

Hangzhou Day 2 and 3

2005-03-03T19:52:00.000-06:00

Despite sweltering heat, Hangzhou was a great time! It was jokes even! That morning I met up with Pei Bei's reluctant friends, Yang Ming and Violin (they insisted I just call her violin cuz her real name was too difficult... allegedly). They looked scared at first, me being likely the first black man they had ever seen in their life. And now they were committed to spending the day with me! But they loosenned up after a while. (Please note, they are in the typical, dyad formation: Chinese 1 girl with excellent english + sidekick who speaks ~ 0 english)

They showed me around West Lake first. That's a beautiful place. With lots of... Lake and... Things in the Lake. And boats.. and plants.. and people asking me to buy stuff.

Then we went to some museum type place where they showcased artifcats from ancient chinese civilization. Like caveman ancient! Old Chinese weapons were on display. And old chinese money! It was a Ancient Chinese-fest.

Goldfish!

Me standing next to a hobbit hole, showing off my chicken legs!

But as Droopy would say, that is neither here nor there. My biggest surprise came when the lethargic pair wanted to decide what we should do for lunch. They asked if I liked Chinese food, to which I said, "Yeah!" then renegged a bit and said, "Well, it depends." They mulled over it for a bit then looked at me, looked at each other and asked, "KFC?"

I don't know if that was a racist thing like, "All black people like fried chicken" or a racist thing like, "All westerners like junk food!" But you know what? I enjoyed my goddamn KFC! I know I'm in China I should try the local flavour... but there would be plenty of time for that some other time. Do you know how crowded a KFC gets in China? Well, let's put it this way. The amount of Chinese people I saw at that KFC, far exceeds the amount of black people you would see at the KFC in NDG! By about 10 fold!

And that was that. I saw Pei Bei again that night and we chatted it up till all hours of the evening! Good stuff! Hangzhou was jokes, guy!

Hangzhou 1

2005-03-02T18:13:00.002-06:00

At long last the train ride was over and I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do next. Here I am at this train station where no one speaks english. The terrifying thing is that some very persistent men will accost you and beg you to let them drive you to their hotel. Very, very dangerous. I avoided them like they had the plague, which from the looks of them, may not have been such a stretch.

So I find the official taxis. You know by the colors, and the drivers have little cards on the dashboard. Anyway, you can tell official taxis from the freelance kidnappers/thieves. There's a line of taxis with throngs of people waiting to catch one. I get this kid, who looks terrified from the moment he sees me. He packs my bags in the trunk. Then I give him the little piece of paper with the name of the Hotel I'm supposed to be going to. I had Peter write it down before leaving Guilin. YIKES! The look on this guys face... The paper may as well have been in German. He stares at it for about a minute. Then gets out and starts yelling at his supervisor, a grotesque fat man with his shirt open. The supervisor yells back at him and they get into a huge argument. Finally, the young guy grugdingly gets back into the cab, still staring in dismay at the paper. He calls someone up on the cell phone and starts yelling at them. Then his supervisor bellows at him to get out of the way.

So we're driving through Hangzhou while this ass clown is talking on the phone. He stops at 2 hotels before finding mine. At least, I hoped it was my hotel. He gave me my bags and drove off. Alas, when I went to reception they did have reservations under my name.

This hotel was absolutely beautiful. I loved it. Clean and... big... and... shiny... The problem was. I didn't arrange to have any tour guides in Hangzhou. I had called my friend Pei Bei from Guilin and she was rather shocked that I had made it to China. (I had Pei Bei on the internet by chance earlier that year). Anyway, speaking to her was the first pleasant surprise of the day. In her charming voice she explained that she was going to take me out that night for supper, and the following days, when she had work, she had arranged for her friends to show me around. Thank God! That's called ... ummm... goodness... Turned my lousy day into awesomeness. She actually had the foresight to make sure I would have something to do for my three days in Hangzhou.

She took me out to supper! Awesome! We strolled along the beautiful West Lake! Double Awesome! Pei Bei was great. And made sure I had an excellent time in beautiful Hangzhou! We've kept in touch ever since.

Well, speak of the Devil! Pei Bei is online now! She wants me to tell you about the woman who stalked us for a good 5 minutes insisting I buy flowers for Pei Bei. I was going to buy some but Pei Bei looked very embarassed by the whole thing. She also thinks it was very funny that for most of the night she insisted that I sing her a song. She insists that all black people can sing! I proved her wrong!

Anyway, thanks For a great time in Hangzhou Pei Bei!

Next Post! Pics of Hangzhou!

Choo Chu!!!

2005-03-01T17:51:00.000-06:00

Getting on the train to Hangzhou was like being deported or something. First of all I waited for an hour in this super crowded room, with some miserable looking individuals all spitting all over the floor and stuff.

The train finally gets there, and Peter insists on carring my bags and stuff for me. He looked very concerned. As the train was taking off I think it was all he could do not to start running after it. He's a loyal chap! Take care Peter wherever you are!

My accomadations for the next 20-24 hours was a train that had about 6 small bunk beds per little area. I guess they weren't designed to accomadate 6 foot tall, black people. Oooh, my neck hurt quite a bit after my restless sleep. It didn't help that Peter told me to keep a close eye on my bag, so I slept clutching my school bag tightly.

I woke up a few times to chat with the french guy in the bunk below me. People are so easily impressed. "Vous parlez francais???" Yeah, I talk french. And a little chinese too... Ni Hao biatch! Anyway, then the chinese family in the beds next to us tried having a little conversation. Always fun to chat it up with the locals. What wasn't fun was asking about food. I was desperate. I went to anyone in uniform and made the motion with my hand that would imply eating... I think anyone could have understood it. But they just sneered at me pretending not to understand. Jerks. Then somethin hapenned. As I was about to turn away, defeated and hungry, the words just came to me... I looked them straight in the eye and said, "Chi Fan Le Ma!" or something like that... Which I think means "To eat rice." They smiled and brought me to the kitchen, where I had an awful dish of chicken with broken bones throughout it. The only thing they had to drink was some kind of cold green tea with Jasmine. I hated it very much.

Using the bathroom was fun. I held it in for as long as I could but eventually I knew my bladder would burst. I went to the... "bathroom," a sophisticated facility that basically consited of a hole at the bottom of the train. I could see the tracks moving beneath me. Very, very interesting.

Back at my bunk bed some drunken chinese girl was trying to sell me a glowing pen. She was one of the few people who seemed unphased by the fact that I was black. Extremely drunk. Having spurned the Green Tea jasmine drink, I had to buy a Seven Up. I believe it was a few yuan. As I reached for my wallet, the sinister drink selling guy tried to reach for a 50 yuan bill that was in there. "What the EFFF!!!!!!!!" It's a pretty funny thing about Chinese scam artists. He didn't feel any need to feign an apology, didn't even put on a guilty look. He just laughed and gave me my seven up.

Throughout the train, a chorus of people spitting all over the floor could be heard. I remember going to the bathroom and seing a big mucousy gob on the floor. "What the hell? There's a sink right there people!!! Spit in the goddamn sink!!!" Then I went back to the bunk area and sat on a chair, cramped against a window. A malevolent gentleman was smoking and gave me a disturbing grin before spitting on the floor and then locking eyes with me again...

What a ride. Finally, by the time I was perfectly miserable, I see someone coming down the hall. He wasn't Chinese. He wasn't even white! He was... BROWN!!! We both looked at each other. "MATE! I haven't spoken to anyone in like 3 days!!!" he cried in an English accent and immediately we exchanged complaints about our trips. This guy had just come from Vietnam teaching and said he faced quite a bit of prejudice! Anyway, then I said something about not taking my eyes off my bags. The guy did a double take and then decided to bid me adieu and run off to see if his bag was still there.

It was the train ride from hell, but at least it made a good story to tell. Was it a good story? I hope so, cuz it was a terrible experience... you see how this is the only post with no pictures?

to be continued...

Guilin Day 3

2005-02-07T17:31:00.000-06:00

I woke up at about 5am. My stomach felt kind of funny... and in a little while it felt VERY funny. I won't go any details about how sick I was that night. But I rushed to the bathroom and wondered if I would actually die. For about 20 minutes I was as sick as I'd ever been in my life as my body rejected the "stir fried beef" that I had bought off the street. Lesson learned. Don't eat the street food!

That poor jerk Peter, my tour guid in Guilin caught me in a bad mood once again. The first time was because of the... ummm... confusion with the prostitute and the whole deal with the towels. This time it was because I was really sick. It seems that Guilin doesn't have as much history as the other places I visit, so Peter indulged in telling me about the economics of Guilin and some other stuff I can't remember. It was like riding in a van with C3P0. I just wanted to turn him off after a while.

ANYHOO! We got back to Guilin and this time around visited some parks. I think the pictures I have here are from the Seven Star Park, though I could be wrong. More of the usual stares as chinese people are more captivated by the site of a black man than the magnificent Elephant Trunk Hill. What's elephant trunk hill? According to legend, some emperor was jealous of an elephant cuz the people liked the elephant better than him. I can't remember why. The elephant was magic or something. Anyway, so the emperor, being as insecure as Commodus from Gladiator, kills the elephant, and this hill is the essence of that dead, magical, lovable, Heffalump-esque elephant.

There was one cute girl who actually followed me around for bit to take my picture. I decided to take one of her too. At least, I find her kinda cute. Little does she know some Canadian dude has just posted her pic on the internet! Badda Bing!

I took this picture as an excuse to spy on this girl who from a distance I thought might have been cute too. Alas, I don't know what that building in the back is.

Then I visit some cool caves. Cave pictures didn't turn out very nice but... whatcha gonna do. Here's one pic that has a story behind it. Something about a dragon... And a fish maybe? And that blue light is supposed to be the dragon. Whatever.

Putting my hand under this rock is good luck! You should go to China and put your hand under this rock like I did! Now see how lucky I am? I got my very own blog!

And finally a very sentimental MastaCSG decided to take pictures of some very beautiful flowers. Maybe it was the nice weather, maybe it was the fact that Guilin was not shrouded in black clouds like the rest of China, or maybe I just wanted to test out the resolution on my hot camera!

Parks in China are always cool. Old people roam around wild and free. Especially in the morning time. This old lady was actually doing stuff with a sword to my shock and chagrin! I hope people let me tote weapons around when I'm in my golden years.

And that was that... a very easy, laid back day in beautful weather. Sadly, the day ended on a rather sour note. Peter gets a phone call and looks rather distressed. He then informs me that there was a problem with my train arrangements. I was to take the "soft sleeper train" to go back north to the city of Hangzhou. So these tour people give me an ultimatum. I can either, take the soft sleeper train very, very late at night OR take a ghetto-ass train at the time I was supposed to.

Hence a fourth law was born... Don't take the ghetto-ass train when in China.

to be continued...

Yangshou Day 1

2004-10-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

So, the pirates did not ransack nor pillage our boat. It seems that tiny boats filled with merchants are common. Once you get over the alarming way they latch onto your ship and scramble along the sides of the boat trying to sell you things, you realize that River Pirates are just trying to get their hustle on!

So, the boat ride brought me to the charming city of Yangshou, which I think is the most beautiful place I've been to in my life. It is a town of old fashionned chinese buildings surrounded by lush green mountains. Like Guilin, Yangshou is one of the places not shrouded by black clouds all day long.

Didn't do much the first night. I tried calling people but for some reason I couldn't get the phone to work. I was completely isolated from everyone outside of the town it seemed! Which at first was pretty discouraging. I turned to the phone trying to decide what to do.... "Mmm... in room massage? Naaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!" I guess I learned my lesson.

The next day in Yangshou I really got adventurous. There are pretty much three rules that I was told never to break while in China by friends, family and doctors!

1) Don't drink the water!
2) Don't talk to strangers!
3) Don't eat the street food!

Bah! I was talking to strangers left and right! I was approached by many people who wanted to give me a bike ride around town. Actually, there were a lot of young children who approached me in this town, moreso than other places in China. I was very wary of all of them. Scared even! I went to the park in the center of the town, where a bunch of little kids were staring at me. Ah, to be black in China! Anyway, I was in a good mood, so I waved back at them, much to their delight. They started giggling and frolicking, like good kids do and then beckonned me to follow them up some hill. Imagine this... Me, a six foot black guy, scared to follow some little girls up a mountain. Honestly, I was sure there was someone waiting for me at the top of the hill waiting to mug me. Or maybe the little girls themselves were concealing weapons.

Anyway, I summoned my courage and soon followed the kids up the hill. On a ledge they enthusiastically showed me some writings on a wall. When I asked what it meant, the girl shrugged, almost exasperated that I should ask a question that she would be incapable of answering in another language, and that I would be even less capable of understanding. Yes, it was quite foolish of me. Regardless, they asked me to take their picture and gave me the most popular pose of Chinese local girls. The girl who speaks proper english stands in front, while her sidekick, the one who speaks less english, stands in back. And of course, they flashed some kind of gang symbol... I'm not sure if she was a Blood or a Crip... Or maybe that was just a peace sign?

After taking their picture they asked to take mine, but I clutched my precious camera, fearing they would run off with it. They just shrugged and gestured for me to join them in some more frolicking. I declined and they went off. What a bunch of happy kids.

There was lots to explore in the park. It was quite enchanting really with little ponds scattered around and huge butterflies. At one point I came to some stairs and I could hear some guys yelling in English at the top of the hill. I would later be told the name for chinese guys who yell out English phrases. I think it transalates to something like, "Crazy English". "Those chinese dudes are speaking Crazy English!" One might say.

I decided to climb up and see what was going on. Would I be mugged??? No... I came to a pavillion where two chinese guys were learning to speak english. Bruce and Wei. They were really friendly and we had a little cultural exchange. They tought me a few chinese phrases, I clarified some grammar rules for them. It was cool. Here's a pic of them, "Making an advertisement" for their Chinese English dictionnary!

From the ledge of the pavillion, I could see really tall mountain. I thought the view from their would be spectacular, so they offered to show me to the top. It was quite a climb, but was it ever worth it. I got an amazing view of the whole town. Actually, climbing up the mountain you come to several pavillions each with its own unique view. At the risk of sounding like an uber-geek, Yanshou looks like the city of Rivindell from Lord of the Rings... There... I said it!

Anyway, after which, Bruce, Wei and I went to violate the 3rd rule of visiting China. No, not "Don't pet the bears!", but rather don't eat the street food. How could I refuse? A whole plate of stir fried noodles and beef for a mere 3 yuan? That's practically like eating for free! And goddamn that stuff tasted good.

And we parted ways and I went back to my hotel. Apparently, there were no consequences to my trangressions of the 3 laws! Or was there? I woke up at 5am with a strange churning sensation in the pit of my belly...mmm..

to be continued...

Guilin Day 2

2004-10-04T22:18:00.000-05:00

Last Time on Masta in China!!!

"You're not a massage girl!! This whole thing was just a set up!!! You're a chinese Jehovah's witness." Looks of confusion... I take another stab at it. "You're not a massage girl!!! You're a... PROSTITUTE!!!"

Now the conclusion

Actually, I'll let you guys choose your own conclusion.

1)
MastaCSG: "You expect me to pay for sexual service when I thought this masseuse would give me sexual servicing for free?"

2)
MastaCSG: "Shame on you... ALL OF YOU!!! You have besmirched this young girl's honor. You have challenged any conceptions she has about love... And what about me massage girl? You said I had beautiful eyes... Was that just a lie? We could have had something special. You are monsters... Now I bid you a goodnight. I hope you'll think about what you've done..."

3)
MastaCSG: "Sexual Service? Sadly, I lack the funds for sexual service..." *Haggling ensues*

Anyway, sending the prostitute away was awkward and strange. But the following morning was pretty stressful. I had to check out as I was to proceed to Yanghou. As I checked out of the hotel, the woman at reception claimed that towels were missing from my hotel room.

Me: "That's impossible! I was just in the room! All the towels are there!"
Lady: "Mmm... That's strange... WAS ANYONE ELSE IN YOUR ROOM LAST NIGHT????"
Me: "Ummm... Two massage girls and... Not a hooker...Definately no hookers in my room! No Sirry Bob!!! Well... there was a third girl... she was... a special masseuse... I like to think of her more as a 'sexual engineer' than a prostitute..."
*long pause*
Me: "I did not, have sexual relations with that prostitute!!!!"

Anyway, the situation resolved itself, more or less. After which, my tour guide Peter, who reminds me a lot of C3PO at this point, gave me many unninteresting details about the city of Guilin while we drove to our boat. The thing about poor Peter, aside from the fact that talking to him is like reading online notes for a class, is that he always seems to catch me after something bad has hapenned, and I'm always in a disgruntled mood when he breaks into his lectures.

Eventually we got to the boat that would take us down the Li river. First thing that hapenned when I boarded the boat is I was recognized, "HEY IT'S THE CANADIAN GUY!!!" That was a surprise. It was some of the people I had seen back in Xi'an. What are the odds?

Besides that, it was a really nice cruise with beautiful scenery. Surrounded by tall green mountains, the boat trundled down the river as the passengers, mostly jaded tourists took pictures. Everyone seemed sick, tired... generally unimpressed.

Me and two other guys started comparing cameras. We were like little boys with toys, talking about the different specs of our devices. I think I won with my four megapixel camera.

One jaded tourist was basically, a white me, from Switzerland named Cristov. His camera boasted a telescoping zoom lens. Anyway, he was interesting to talk to. Having just come from Tibet he had a lot of interesting stories to tell. Eventually our conversation seemed to become a competition over who had had the most bizarre experiences.

Cristov: "In tibet they fed me snake! It tastes like chicken!"
Me: "Well... In China, everyone takes pictures of me cuz I'm black! It's like I"m a superstar or something!!"
Cristov: "Well, in tibet, nomads invited me into their tents to pray with them!"
Me: "Yeah? Well, last night the hotel sent a prostitue into my room!"
Cristov: "I'm not surprised. When I was in Amsterdam, I saw an orgy!"

He obviously won. But the biggest laugh came when we were complaining about our tour guides.

Cristov: "Honestly, I'm not too impressed. I spend all this money to have some guy point at things and ramble off the history of the country. Now look at him!" Then Cristov pointed to his guide, fast asleep in the corner of the boat, head falling backward, mouth lolling open. I wish I had taken a picture.

There was this other guy from Israel. He works for a company that tries to find ways to prevent the piracy of television signals. He said that the laws in Canada make it nearly impossible to control piracy. Effin' A!!!

The cruise was not without incident though. Looking over the starboard I noticed we were being pursued!!! Li River Pirates it seemed! A small motorized boat sidled alongside our own, where a haggard looking old woman latched onto our boat with a rope!!! These horrible pirates will pillage and ransack our ship!!!!

Or will they...?

To be continued...

Guilin

2004-09-17T23:42:00.000-05:00

Last Time on Masta in China!!!

So, late that night I noticed that the hotel has a little card that has a number to dial for massages... Mmm... Are all massage girls as hot as Ms. Gao? Should I??? No... I couldn't... BUT I MUST!!!But I didn't...Or did I???

To be continued....

Now the conclusion

No... It wasn't time. Not yet...

With little left to see in Guilin (I'm looking at my Itinerary now. I don't remember visiting the Great Mosque or the Provincial History Museum????) I took flight to Guilin! Beautiful city. A nice mix of modern buildings with lots of green space. Guilin is also one of the few places I acutally saw a blue sky, unveiled by the pollution that obscures most of the country.

Anyway, it was just a quick stop over, so I took a walk down the main street. Then went back to the hotel. I noticed that there was a gym somewhere in the hotel. I deluded myself into thinking, "Finally a gym!! This will be a perfect opportunity to sculpt my guns!!!"

But as I walked toward the gym a group of girls started giggling at me. I looked and they waved and stuff very flirtatiously. They were all dressed in pink uniforms. It was the hotel's massage girls!! Wow! A whole mob of them! Well... I was going to walk away but... I so enjoyed my massage in Xi'an, eventually I broke down and decided to get one here too.

One massage girl, very cute, stepped forward to serve me, the naive client! The others all acted very dissapointed. "HAHA!!!! I'M SUCH A STUD!!!! Look at all these girls who want to massage me!!! Cuz I'm hot... "

Massage Girl: "Do you want the massage in your room?"
Me: "Uh Oh... that sounds sketchy... but okay..."

So the massage was even better than the one in Xi'an!!! The girl just kept flattering me the whole time. She giggled at everything I said. She really knew how to indulge me. "You have beautiful eyes... Oooooh... You're so tall..." When the massage was done she says, "I have to call my boss!"

Mmm... Why does her boss have to come here? Somewhere on the fringes of reason this question was begging for attention. I asked her, "Couldnt I just pay you?" She didn't really answer, she just started massaging me again. So I let it go. Ah... lovely massage... nothing mattered...

Until the boss entered; A short lady wearing the same pink dress that served as the massage girl uniform. But the woman... girl... beside her was not in uniform. She was wearing a very revealing tank top. She immediately began checking her lipstick. Something's not right, but my mind wasn't up to par after that massage. "Hello, massage girl's boss! Here's your money!"

The short lady just pulls out a card that says something in Chinese with an English transalation underneath, "Sexual Service... 700 yuan!!!" I slowly put together the pieces of the puzzle.

"You're not a massage girl!! This whole thing was just a set up!!! You're a chinese Jehovah's witness." Looks of confusion... I take another stab at it. "You're not a massage girl!!! You're a... PROSTITUTE!!!"

BAH BAH BAH!!!!

To be continued...

Xi'an day 2

2004-09-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

Last time on Masta in China!!!

Then... I got on the plane and went back to Canada... OR DID I???????to be continued...

Now, the continuation...

No I didn't. Still lots of stuff to do in Xi'an!!

Xi'an is a different place from Beijing. The people certainly seem different. They speak less english that's for sure. Anyway, the attractions in Xi'an include the Forest of Steles (steles being stone tablets). Here's a picture of me next to a big ass bell in the temple of Steles!

Isn't that crazy!? Obviously I have no memory of what the bell is for. I think they used to ring it really loud at Christmas time so Santa Claus would be able to find Xi'an. Then when Santa arrived Confucius would say, "Hey, Chinese people don't believe in you!" And then Santa would say, "Effin A!!!" activate his jetpack and fly back to Jupiter.

I visited the Small Wild Goose Pagoda and the Big Wild Goose Pagoda. The small one is a re-creation but it's nicer to visit. A lot more trees and people practising their Kung Fu. I went up to this Kung Fu Master and say, "I know Kung Fu!" What a loser I am... Then Mr. Li says... "Please show us..." DOH!!! That's not good... So I took the bow staff and started feebly spinning it... Very unimpressive... I have excuses! The thing wasn't weighted the same way as the bamboo one I use... That and... I suck!!!

Kung Fu Master: "You are hereby banished from our honorable Order of Kung Fu Fighters!"
Me: "I was never a member!"
Kung Fu Master: "Then my work is done... May the Force be with you!"
Me: "There is no Force sir! That's from a movie called Star Wars!"
Kung Fu Master: "Oh yeah... Well... You're from a movie called Star Wars!!!" :p

Anyway, people sometimes ask me, "Chris, what's a Big Wild Goose Pagoda?" So, apparently, some bird died (a goose!), and they built a temple where it died (taking it as some kind of omen). Then some philosopher, maybe Confucius, maybe Mr. T, Maybe Captain Picard, I really don't remember... They decided to study there and wrote volumes and volumes of philosophy. Now they use the temple to pimp their cheesy wares! It was an ideal place to buy souvenirs for the parasi... my family and friends back home...

The big attraction is Xi'an is supposedly the Terra Cotta Museum. Some decades ago, some farmers dug up thousands of these seven foot tall stone soldiers that were burried underground with the first Emperor of China!

They call this the eigth wonder of the world. I always thought I was the eigth wonder of the world!!! Nyarrr... Anyway. so, surprinsingly, we saw all of this in less than a day. After which Mr. Li pauses...
Mr. Li: "Well... We have some time left... We have time to go to a teahouse or a massage parlour."
Me (whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa?????????): "How much tea are we talking about? Pints?" (sarcastically)
Mr. Li: "No, little ittie bittie cups..."
Me(in the car honking the horn): "Why are we not at the massage parlour yet?"

I soon discovered that beautiful women who give massages are the eigth wonder of the world. I got one of those crazy massages where they walk on your back and stuff. It was a pretty naughty massage actually. I felt guilty afterward... "It's my first time!"

She seemed to be fascinated by my name too. "Chreesifer? Chreesifer??? Ahhh... Chreeseefer...." It's amazing to be in a country where everyone and there dog isn't named Chris. So, being black makes me fascinating? Being named Chris makes me unique?l.... Being six feet is exceptional? Speaking English is a coveted skill? I don't have to do anything to be impressive! Just exist as a black tourist with modest funds. I love China!

Guilt dissolved... After a massage that hardcore, you're all mellow. You don't give two cents about anything. At that moment the buxom massage girl, Ms Gao, was my favourite person on the planet! I suppose 3 paragraphs about massages is enough for now... FOR NOW!!!

And we still had time to go to the tea house and the Tang Dynasty Dinner Show. The tea house was surpringly impressive but the Show at night was spectacular. It's a choreagraphed version of some emperor's dream. Lucky for us, the emperor was dreaming of many women dancing enticingly. The Show didn't have as much martial arts as the Peking Opera but it was definately more beautiful. Gorgeous sets, with green trees or lavish throne rooms. Amazing dancers. I also really appreciated the singing which I wouldn't have expected. Because the lighting kept chaning and also because I was just so enthralled by the whole thing, the pictures for this really didn't turn out. Think of the openning scene of Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom, combined with colorful scenes from "Hero" starring jet Li.

And they serve food! Mr. Li, who seems to know everyone there, spent the night, macking the ladies and laughing it up. Mr. Li declared, "I feel you're like my brother!" It might seem touching, but I think it was more of an excuse for him to get drunk instead of being professional. Don't get me wrong, it's far more fun that way!!! We got an awesome picture with the actresses in the show! It was good fun.

So, late that night I noticed that the hotel has a little card that has a number to dial for massages... Mmm... Are all massage girls as hot as Ms. Gao? Should I??? No... I couldn't... BUT I MUST!!!

But I didn't...

Or did I???

To be continued....

Beijing Day 3/ Xi'an Day 1

2004-09-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

Last Time on "Masta in China!!!"

And then it hapenned. A group of cute girls see me. They giggle and wave, "Hi!!!!" Oooh... Looks like there's a little flirting goin' on... I figure, what the hell, I'll be adventurous for a change...

Now the conclusion:

I waved back! And they giggled some more... And that was pretty much it. It looked like they wanted to talk, but I was fixated on getting a memory card. Like an idiot, I just walked right by... I found one during my exploits but it was too expensive and I moved on. Then smacked my head thinking, "Beijing adventures would have been more hardcore with 3 hot chicks!!! Too bad I spurned the last trio!!!" Maybe I'd have better luck in the future... (Foreshadowing?....)

Anyway, the next morning I saw the Summer Palace. It's a really beautiful place. They have what I was told is the longest corridor in the world. It has these nice looking paintings on it, but I don't think I have a nice picture of it. What really surprised me was that China has little Hobbit Doors all over the place, round green things (see below) Just like in Lord of the Rings.

After that I was driven off to the airport where I would say bye to Gloria and Mr. Liu and hello to the city of Xi'an. It was one of my stranger airport visits. There was a bat flying around, white guys wearing rice hats, asian guys wearing cowboy hats... It was like stepping into the Twilight Zone. I overheard a tour group speaking amongst themselves. One of them said, "Apparently they don't serve pork in Xi'an... It's because they're... Ummm...?"
"Muslim!" I interjected.
"Oh really?" one lady asked, "Hello, where are you from?"
"I'm a student from Canada, blablabla.."
Then the whole tour group turns around...AGHAST!!! "LOOK! A BLACK GUY! And he's saying stuff!" And I talked to them a bit. It was interesting.

It turns out my comment about people in Xi'an being muslim was pretty silly.... I mean, it's a big city... They have a muslim history, but I was eating pork there till the cows came home... Anyway, I talked with them for a bit and actually ended up meeting up with someone from the group much later in the South of China. It's a small world!

So, my guide in Xi'an was a dude named Mr. Li, like Jackie Chan in Rush Hour 2. Making us Chris and Mr. Li. Funny stuff. Anyway, that night we visit the city wall and I had just enough time to see the city wall and that was about it.

After which Mr. Li insisted I go to some restaurant at night to have some freaking dumplings... He went on and on and on about dumplings. For the love of God! I've had dumplings!!! I don't care!!!

The Hotel was one of the nicest ones I stayed at during my trip. That night I went roaming around the city. Less people speak english there, so my hunt for a memory card was even more difficult. And more people started trying to buy me stuff. It was as if China was becoming acclimated to my presence and was now ready to unleash legions of their annoying street sales people.

Anyway, there are lots of Kodak stores in China. It seemed like a whole family was working there, Man, Wife and Son. I walked into one to ask for a memory card. Absolutely no English taking place here. Just scowls. So I bust out my digital camera to show them what I'm talking about. "Memory card!" I pull it out of the camera and the old gentleman their wordlessly tiefiscates the memory card and puts it into his computer and starts perusing the pictures. My pictures!!! "What the hell...?"

Now it was time for Charades. Using nothing but hand gestures and incoherent phrases, I explained to them that I wanted the pictures put onto a CD. That's when the haggling began! When it was all said and done, they truly ripped me off horribly... There's a point in haggling where you know you can't make the price any lower.

Lady: "150 yuan!" (~25$)
Me (trying to do the math in my head): "50 yuan!" (damn, that's some Cheesy Math Masta!!! That means you're paying at least 8 bucks just to get some pictures on a cd!)
Lady(disgusted): "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 80 yuan!!!"
Me (sweating. If I don't get this done, I won't be able to take any pictures in Xi'an): "Ummm... 60 yuan!!!"
Lady: "70 yuan!!!"
Me: "65 yuan!!!" (a difference of 5 yuan which is pretty much 80 cents, but I figure it's the principle of the thing).

At this point the lady just looks confused, realizing the absurdity of me cutting the price by 5 yuan. She smiles pleasantly and agrees to the deal, thinking my western naivety rather amusing. So suddenly we end up looking at pictures from my trip. At this point the formerly shrewish woman turned into a charming lady who finds me too hilarious, laughing at my pictures, especially the ones of me on the great wall. We manage some rudimentary communication. Using her fingers she asks how old I am. Then she says she's 31! To which I say, "31??? You don't look a day over 24!!!" and she laughed and laughed. Apparently Chinese people can understand compliments in English. Yeah, I flossed the lady in front of her husband!!!

Then there is the mandatory, "Where are you from? Canada?" she turns around to look at her son, who just finished interupting the upload of the pictures twice, much to the disgust of the father. "Chanada?" They were nice, and thoroughly amused at having a black guy in their shop. The next day I went they were even more hilarious. Once the husband saw me he bellowed something I obviously didn't understand and his family started laughing. Anyway, I got my cd.

Then... I got on the plane and went back to Canada... OR DID I???????

to be continued...

Beijing Day 2

2004-09-06T19:08:00.000-05:00

Last time on "Masta in China!!"
So after the peking opera, I went back to the hotel room.... I saw something in my bed that I had never seen before...

Now the conclusion.
There were clean sheats! In fact, everything in the room had been placed in order. They even put all my coins in a neat little pile on the bureau. Amazing!!Moving on.

Each city on the tour had one specialty place where the tour guides would bring you to spend some serious RMB (chinese currency). Beijing's place, was the Jade Factory.

As I passed some girls at the factory, they started giggling and staring. I talked to them a bit, they ask where I'm from what I study. It's interesting. Being black in China gets you a lot of attention. This, was good attention and much appreciated! Later in our journey across China I'll give some examples of bad attention!

Anyway, definately one of the highlights of my trip was the Great Wall of China. At first the task doesn't seem so daunting. You can see a rampart at what looks like the top of the mountain. You see little kids and elderly people gleefully scampering up the steep stone stairs. Before beginning your ascent there's a tablet that says something like, "If you make it to the top, you're a real hero!" allegedly written by Mao himself. (When I spoke to other people they later told me that the actual saying is, 'you're not a real man until you've climbed the great wall'. Slight difference).

So I climb an exhausting flight of stairs. You get to one rampart and realize there is another. No problem, I climb to the next higher level of the wall. Now I'm already pretty tired. My tour guide had already left me, "I'll see you when you get back." and she took some pictures and abandonned me. And it seemed every time you reached a higher level, there was just more. I noticed less and less old people as I climbed ever higher. Dead bodies were strewn on the steps, killed by the arduous climb. Finally, I was certain I had reached the top.... then I could here the voice of DMX in my head going, "WHAT???" There was still more.

I thought forty five minutes of climbing stairs in the hot sun was more than enough. I took a seat on a ledge and perused some pictures, anticipating returning to Gloria and Mr. Liu in disgrace. Then some old man came up to me and started saying things in Chinese. I imagine he was saying, "You're almost there!! Don't give up now!" But he could have just as easily have been saying, "Black Guy? In China?? that's not good... :-("

But whatever he said, gave me the strength of three grinches, plus 2! For I climbed the rest of the way to the top, where other heroes were posing for pictures. I asked this british guy to take a picture of me while I was a the top. I thought to myself. "Good thing I didn't come to China with those dainty doilies back home!!!"

You're probably wondering, "Masta... Which dainty doilies do you refer to???" I'll name them. Justin Beauchamp, Vrej Hezaran, Kenny, Biowives, Mel (you can guess which one(s)), and some others. Rez, Pam, Bassem and Pat get the benefit of the doubt but still...

Anyway, when I was through taking pics at the top, I ran down the hill and that was that. Good times. I visited some place called the sacred way, which is a long path with statues of animals leading to the emperor's tomb, which I also visited. I can't remember which emperor but I think it was the emperor of the Qin dynasty... Or some such...

Anyway, that night I had some free time. I needed to find myself a memory card. I STRUT down the street, going from place to place, trying futily to communicate with people. What I find very strange is that I wasn't once approached by any beggars. Later during my trip, it got really ubsurd.

And then it hapenned. A group of cute girls see me. They giggle and wave, "Hi!!!!" Oooh... Looks like there's a little flirting goin' on... I figure, what the hell, I'll be adventurous for a change...

to be continued...

Beijing- Day 1

2004-09-06T16:59:00.000-05:00

It's extremely disorienting to wake up in a different time zone. I was totally confused when I woke up in my hotel room. I frantically ran down to the reception desk in housecoat and slippers asking, "Where am I? What year is this? Why does everyone look like Pat Kim Chiaw???" I soon got my answer. I was in beijing for some reason. It took me a while to get used to the idea.

Back in my room I discovered little coupons for free breakfast on the second floor. I went to the dining hall and was received by many, MANY Asian people. This is the first thing I would learn about China. People are often paid just to stand around. It gets funny after a while. One person says thank you, takes my ticket and makes a broad gesture with her arm, indicating that I should take all I want. Naturally I stacked my plate with bacon, ham and anything else that might have been produced from a dead pig. Eggs, dumplings, croissant... I really ate like a pig and of the pig the first few days. But take it from a Canadian, you don't want to taste what the Chinese call maple syrup. It's quite disgusting.

So, before leaving I had made arrangements with a company to have a driver and a tour guide in each city. This is good cuz I really can't speak Chinese. Zany adventures ensued when I tried to take a taxi on my own (coming soon!). Anyway, my posse in Beijing was the charming Gloria and the grumpy Mr. Liu. It was really uncomfortable to have them open the door for me to let me in the backseat.

After this, Mr. Liu would go careening down the streets and highways, usually wearing some badass sunglasses, while Gloria gave me a Chinese history lesson from the passenger seat.

You know what I love about driving in China? Absolutely nothing. Mr. Liu's a good guy and everything, but wow... He's dangerous. I don't think they have any kind of ... rules... They just go and make crazy stops at the last minute. Mr. Liu of all my driver's had a hilarious habit of honking his horn for no reason. When he would pass to the left of a car, he'd blare his horn. If someone was in front of him, behind him... adjacent to him in any way, it was grounds to honk his horn screaming the Chinese equivalent of, "KING KONG AIN'T GOT S**T ON ME!!!!" But what's even more frustrating, is even in this land of crazy driving, it is considered offensive to put on your seat belt!!! Go figure!

And that was a typical day. Day 1 in Beijing I went to Tianamen Square to Visit the Forbidden city. What's the Forbidden city you may ask? Well, to be specific... It's where the Emperor did stuff. Talked to people, flossed the finest concubines medieval China had to offer... etc... And that's pretty much all you have to know about Chinese history to appreciate these buildings. The Emperor used money to build big beautiful statues and halls, fund the army and what not for himself, rather than feed his starving people. I guess they were republican. Nyarrr... That's good political commentary! Or is it?

No... :-(

Here are some pics

One of those buildings was called the Hall of Supreme Harmony. I can't remember which one, but that's as much information as you'll get from this blog!!

I had famous peking duck for supper! Duck is some greasy s**t! But it's also some delicious s**t! They have a picture of the famous people who have eaten at this restaurant. Yasser Arafat... Some other guys... And now me!

And finally, I went to the incredible Peking Opera. It's not what I expected. Everybody was Kung Fu fighting! And the main character was this woman with swords, and she was doing sommersaults and deflecting many spears being hurled at her! Some dude was breathing fire!!! Crazy go nuts!!!

Now to keep you all tuned into this fly blog. I'm going to end each post on a cliffhanger.

So after the peking opera, I went back to the hotel room.... I saw something in my bed that I had never seen before...

to be continued...